Being that it’s late Wednesday evening, what better way to pass the time than to watch a B-movie? For those not in the know, a B-movie stands for low budget, or bad. But so bad it’s good. And we’re talking painfully bad/good sometimes. I love these films because they’re absurd, there’s nudity, awful acting, and many times, horrible special effects. I decided to write a running diary of what happens throughout, and if it goes well, it might just start being a regular column. This should probably be obvious after you read ‘running diary,’ but there are massive spoilers ahead, as in, I’m doing a basic play-by-play of the film.
Piranha 3D (2010)
0:01: Matt Hooper is combining two of life’s greatest things: drinking beer and boating.
0:03: A beer bottle falls and hits the bottom of a lake, which appears to be the cause of a massive earthquake. A fissure emerges, releasing an enormous school of angry fish.
0:04: Hooper bites the dust…and here’s the first evidence of Piranha’s B-movieishness. Hooper gets eaten alive while spinning in a cartoonish manner while the title appears onscreen. I already love this film.
“You’re going to to wish you had three hands.”
A remake of the highest unimportance, Total Recall returns us to the desecrated world first introduced by Paul Verhoeven in 1990. Hollywood continues to carry the mindset that recycled ideas are the way to go, and thanks to audiences (see: me), these tiring endeavors will continue to be made.
Colin Farrell is Douglas Quaid–substituting for Arnold Schwarzenegger–a lowly factory worker, building synthetic police officers. Thanks to some expository pre-film text, we’re told Earth has been decimated by a global chemical war. Two superpowers have emerged: the United Federation of Britain (UFB), and the less shiny moniker, The Colony (formerly Australia). Recall attempts to place a sense of ecomonic inequality between the two civilizations, but many times, the UFB looks just as shitty, and people are just as unhappy. Quaid lives in The Colony with his wife, Lori (Kate Beckinsale), and commutes on “The Fall”, a colossal elevator that travels through the ground, yup, right past the Earth’s core*, to get to work each morning.
“You were given a Ferrari, and you people treated it like a lawnmower.”
Aaron Cross is Jason Bourne 2.0. Another C.I.A. black-ops agent, a member of Operation: Outcome. Similar to Bourne’s former club, Treadstone, Outcome seems pretty cruel. They’ve sent Cross out to Alaska to train, or perhaps it’s a mission. It’s never really explained. He swims in sub-zero temperature water, then fights off some wolves, before trekking across some mountains. Eventually, he makes his way to a cabin deep into the wilderness where he runs into Number Three, a nameless agent played by Oscar Isaac. Discourse ensues, each trying to discern the other’s identity and assignment. Agents are pretty mysterious.
Remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger looked like this and this? Aging is a real sonofabitch. Anyway, I was just talking to a friend of mine, and we were just reminiscing about how Arnie was THE man in the 80′s and 90′s. Just look at this list of consecutive films he was a part of: Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984), The Terminator (1984), Red Sonja (meh) (1985), Commando (1985), Raw Deal (1986), Predator (1987), The Running Man (1987), Red Heat (1988), Twins (1988), Total Recall (1990), Kindergarten Cop (1990), Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991),
Last Action Hero (1993), True Lies (1994).
After the release of The Dark Knight Rises, Rian Johnson’s (Brick) latest moves the front of my most anticipated list. Looper is about how the mafia use time travel to wipe out enemies by sending them to the past. Or the future. I’m not too sure. Anyway, JGL plays one of the hitmen who carry out sentencing, only to find that one day he’s face-to-face with his bald self from the future (Bruce Willis).
It’s opening up the TIFF in a few weeks, and early buzz is way strong. Stellar support with Jeff Daniels, Emily Blunt, Paul Dano, Piper Perabo, and Garret Dillahunt. Don’t miss this one. If it fails to excite, I’ll punch my future self in the face.
Looper arrives September 28, 2012. A new poster is below.
Dredd’s already been seen at a few festivals, and word of mouth is saying that it’s a lot of fun. And even bloodier. A new poster is out, stating that ‘Judgment Is Coming’. But from the looks of the buildings, it seems like judgment should take a back seat to a firefighter, and a decent architect.
Dredd bleeds all over you (in 3D!!!) on September 21, 2012. The poster is below.
“No one cared who I was until I put on the mask.”
Batman is a thing of the past, retired 8-years since we last saw him fleeing from the Gotham PD. He was erroneously pinned for the death of Harvey Dent/Two-Face, doing so to keep the reputation of the fallen district attorney alive. Since Batman’s departure the ‘Dent Act’ has been established, essentially keeping criminals locked behind bars without the chance of parole. Mayor Garcia (Nestor Carbonell) announces that crime numbers have never been lower. Only Commissioner James Gordon knows the falsity behind Dent’s legacy. The film begins at Wayne Manor with Gordon commemorating Harvey Dent on the anniversary of his death. He holds a speech in his hand that would unveil the truth to the gathered audience. His guilt paralyzes and the words escape him once again, back in the coat pocket they reside.