The X-Men are coming back, this time in a past/future confusing structure, combining the casts of X-Men, X-2, X-Men: The Last Stand, and X-Men: First Class. The newest collaboration stems from one of the most iconic comic books from the last 30-years, detailing a look into a possible destiny for the mutant population; one where they’re round up and decimated by the Sentinels–storeys-high robots with frickin’ laser beams coming from their eyes and hands.
Say goodbye to the cold weather (hopefully), and forgettable early-year releases. Spring is here, and a great film lineup accompanies. April is dedicated to all those who have been tricked on the most foolish of days. Like me, for example.
A few years back I was sitting in my apartment when my then girlfriend (and now wife) said, “Adam, we’ve been together a long time. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I talked to your parents…” By this point my mind goes blank and I just start stammering and sweating profusely. I just remember her getting on one knee, opening a ring box.
‘No. She. Did. Not,’ I was thinking.
“April Fools,” she said.
I think I peed a little.
Welcome back to the B-movie running diary. In this installment, we’re going over the instant classic should be instant classic nunsploitation film, Nude Nuns with Big Guns. Number one: nunsploitation? That’s awesome. A hearty high-five to whomever coined that term. And number two: NNwBG is a great title. You know exactly what you’re getting right off the bat. It’s not some weird thing like Inception, where everything is a total mindfuck. You have nuns, they get naked, they grab some weaponry, and blow some fools away.
Vampires. You can’t escape them, and I’m not talking about running for your life. These things have infiltrated our television and theatre screens. Horrible savagery to passionate love-making to bear hugging werewolves; you name it, and vampires have done it. Below are fifteen memorable adapations, in order of coolness, hilarity, desirability, and also how terrifying they are. Of course, this list is completely subjective, and there are literally dozens of characters that didn’t make the cut. Add some more in the comments if you wish. Or if you’re a Twilight fan, tell me why Edward should be higher.
(Finally, there are some SPOILERS as to the fate of each character, so you should perhaps avoid this if you don’t want to know what happens to Pee-Wee Herman at the end of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.)
Being that it’s late Wednesday evening, what better way to pass the time than to watch a B-movie? For those not in the know, a B-movie stands for low budget, or bad. But so bad it’s good. And we’re talking painfully bad/good sometimes. I love these films because they’re absurd, there’s nudity, awful acting, and many times, horrible special effects. I decided to write a running diary of what happens throughout, and if it goes well, it might just start being a regular column. This should probably be obvious after you read ‘running diary,’ but there are massive spoilers ahead, as in, I’m doing a basic play-by-play of the film.
Piranha 3D (2010)
0:01: Matt Hooper is combining two of life’s greatest things: drinking beer and boating.
0:03: A beer bottle falls and hits the bottom of a lake, which appears to be the cause of a massive earthquake. A fissure emerges, releasing an enormous school of angry fish.
0:04: Hooper bites the dust…and here’s the first evidence of Piranha’s B-movieishness. Hooper gets eaten alive while spinning in a cartoonish manner while the title appears onscreen. I already love this film.
Disney sent the first official photo from their production of Maleficent — a film highlighting the villain from 1959′s Sleeping Beauty. Maleficent has been in hiatus for a few years now, an odd development since Hollywood superwoman, Angelina Jolie, has been attached since its onset.
Regardless, we now have a picture for what it’s worth. And it’s a good thing too, since Maleficent isn’t arriving in theatres until March 14, 2014. Pic is below.
The first one-sheet for the newest Bond flick has hit the web, and people are going crazy! it’s pretty underwhelming. After bankruptcy halted 007, currently production is underway for the 23rd spy adventure. Daniel Craig and Dame Judi Dench are both back, joined by newcomers Anton Chigurh, Ralph Fiennes, Naomi Harris, blah blah blah. How many kids do you think James Bond has sired? Twenty? Thirty? That’s about one per film, and that’s not even taking into account who he plows during his off days. Maybe he uses protection, maybe not. All I’m saying is that there’s a good chance a bunch of kids are running around with Walther PPK’s, and drinking martinis.
Skyfall hits stateside on November 9, 2012. The poster is below.
The sequel to 2010′s Machete, brings the return of (to put it nicely) the grizzled Danny Trejo in the title role, presumably to hack the shit out of more hombres. To inject some much needed estrogen, Amber Heard (All the Boys Love Mandy Lane) and Sofia Vergara (television’s Modern Family) have been cast, proving once more that a pretty face and a killer body will get you nowhere in Hollywood.
In less sexy news, noted racist Mel Gibson has also joined the carnage, while Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez are reprising their roles from the original. Machete Kills does not have a release date as of yet, but expect one in the upcoming months.
The official promotional poster for the 65th anniversary of the Cannes Film Festival has released, and leave it to Marilyn Monroe to whet the appetites of film lovers worldwide. The concept is a simple one: Monroe in black-and-white, blowing out a candle on a cake, like only she can do. The fest runs May 16 – 27, 2012. See Norma Jeane below.
Please welcome guest contributor Shirelle Minton Sioui, Co-founder of Casa del Rio Collection. Shirelle will be writing periodically (if you can’t guess by the last name, we’re married, so I can’t escape her) for the site, passing on her considerable knowledge in the world of fashion.
Cinema Haute
The biggest night in cinema may be over, but the debate has only begun. Was Viola Davis robbed? Was Jean Dujardin’s single line and fancy footwork really better than George Clooney playing himself a beleaguered father in Hawaii? Will Ryan Seacrest ever recover from being doused with the supposed ashes of Kim Jong-il by Admiral General Aladeen? But, the most important questions will no doubt be relegated to the fashion police: Who wore what? And who wore it best?
While some actors and actresses gravitate toward the best-dressed list, others must put in a bit more work. Here, in no particular order, are my grades for last night’s catwalk.